Saturday, September 13, 2008

I am allergic to my kids

Few years ago, I was working with a director who was really stressed out. He got depressed in even the smallest, easiest projects. I hardly get depressed about work stuff, especially about the projects we do hundred times a year. So we were both working with clients, and I was working as therapist on the top of that to calm him down. He started to get really depressed, that his hair grew grey and he was pulling hair at his sideburns. Eventually, he decided to leave the company.

At the time, even though I did not link these things then, I started have problems swallowing. It started slowly, then at one point I realized I could only take 3-4 bites and swallow down in a meal. I lost weight. My dad, who is a doctor, got really concerned when he heard this. I went to an internist, and she did not find anything wrong physically and neurologically. I was also getting frustrated, not knowing why I was chewing and chewing but not able to push it down with my tongue.

Eventually, when that guy left, and I started to manage my own projects by myself - overseen by a partner of course -the problem went away. It was very interesting to me, because I never felt stressed at the time. But I realized I might have strange physical reactions to unconscious stress.

Few weeks ago, my arms started to itch. There is nothing on my arms but the burning inside was killing me. The itch continued a bit on my back and then went down to my legs. It is coming occasionally during the day, like a burning feeling, and urge to itch. I itch like crazy, then my skin becomes red and bumpy. Then it all goes away. No trace, no mark nothing.

Of course, I started think of any reasons to cause this itch. First I stopped working in the garden, touching any bean or tomato plants' leaves. Then I stopped using any body wash and shower brush. Then I stopped using the lotions and moisturizers. I wasn't eating or drinking anything new, so that couldn't be. The itch was getting worse. The rash was coming and going.

Finally, I thought of the past event, oh my god. I am unconsciously stressed to be at home with my kids. I got even more depressed - if I were unconsciously depressed in anyway. It is true I am still struggling to be more of a mom than housemaid and Burak is testing my limits due to new grown jealousy, but stress? An allergic reaction? I am allergic to my kids? I was devastated for few days.

Then I realized, I should have asked my dad. I told him I might be having allergic reactions due to stress. He was baffled. Then he told me, "What stress? Stop using your thyroid medicine."


I haven't even thought of that as a possible reason because I have been using that medicine for a while. We looked it up online and it says very rarely it can cause itching and rash. I was so relieved and happy to be physically sick.

I did not take the medicine today and I don't have any itching. I visited a doctor today and he couldn't care less. He told me to take Claritine and to continue with the thyroid medicine, without considering to check my hormone levels. I got upset that he wasted my day on Saturday, as much as he was for the same reason.

I came home, to find Ela crawling. She just started. She was so happy to see me.

So am I, honey, so am I.

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